April 8, 2021

His Ambitions Scared Me

Yup, you read right.

I never thought I would ever meet anyone whose ambitions would scare me so much, particularly because I am one very ambitious woman with almost zero poverty mentality. You are allowed to roll your eyes but I have been applauded and criticised for possessing both qualities by several people and at different points in my life. Anyhoo… let’s not get distracted.

Here is the summary of the gist. You ready?

I have known this guy for quite a number of years. Cute, insanely brilliant, great conversationist, budding career, one of the very few perfect gentlemen I have had the opportunity of being almost intimate with. I am tempted to be more descriptive, but a few people will immediately know who i’m talking about and come after me so all I can say is that Dude is what most ladies of our time would tag a “Husband or Boyfriend Goal”.

I was totally fine with us being together, in fact, I saw us as the ultimate Power Couple because even me sef, i be spec. We were both driven, ambitious, getting our sh*t together. Although at the time he was earning almost 8times my salary (minus his side hustle oh), I still felt we could work.

Although we weren’t official, we were having all the conversation that suggested that we were well on our way to being more. I usually reminisced over our conversations, the ideas and ambitions he would run by me – as a baby girl that was catching feelings. It was in these moments that I realised that his ambitions were BIG and outright scary.

What was even more scary was the fact that he had a track record, so there was absolutely NO DOUBT that he could achieve these goals. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. I felt small and inadequate. I felt like I suffocating. I suddenly found myself withdrawing. When it was time to become official, I turned him down and walked away.

What was wrong with me, abi? Why was I scared? I no like better thing? Abi my village people don finally get me?

I had always imagined being with a man who would be more ambitious, driven and have a better track record than myself but what I didn’t know was that I had not attained the mental and emotional maturity for such level of ambition.

There is, in actual fact, such a thing as the fear of success and that was was happened to me. I saw success embodied in this fine gentleman and I froze.

Thinking about it now, his ambitions were and still are very big. The difference is that I have grown and can accommodate even higher levels of ambitiousness. It may not have looked like it but I did both of us a favour by turning him down because me and my fear/insecurities would have been stumbling blocks to his success. So, I don’t regret my action (ok, maybe I do just a tiny bit. LOL).

Dear Success, abeg no vex, na small pikin bin dey do me. Let’s cross path again, if possible, be embodied in an even finer Duke of Hastings… I will grab him with both arms and brain.

I am not even playing right now. LOL


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